the universe took its time on you
crafted you precisely
so you could offer the world
something distinct from everyone else
so when you doubt
how you were created
you doubt an energy greater than us both
-rupi kaur

Today’s my birthday.
Today, I am turning 31.
My 30th birthday didn’t really phase me as much as I thought it would. I was preoccupied at the time, with my own mental health struggles, family illness, and loss. 30 was just another number. I didn’t feel any different. My life continued to go on, transitioning from 29 to 30 without much of a change.
But 31? 31 is bringing a lot of anxiety.

Society tells us that youth is valued. There is an exact number where people are “old“ – it might be 25 to some, 27 to others, but universally, in the media, it’s definitely 30. 30th birthdays celebrate our past youth. People often talk about dreading their 30th birthday, about becoming old maids, actual adults, people who can’t enjoy life anymore.
And if that’s 30, what is 31?

This year was difficult for me. I had many struggles. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety. I stepped away from a full-time job, I lived at home. I was a caretaker. I assumed new identities, and I was in a very different place than I thought I would be at 30. But now, reflecting back on the last 12 months, I’m a much stronger, braver person. So why should I be anxious about 31?

My 30th year changed me more than any other time in my life. I was shaped and molded into the person I truly feel I was meant to be. I’ve learned the lesson that time doesn’t always go the way we want or expect it to. Everyone works and develops at their own pace and there is no early or late, right or wrong. Opportunities come at different times. Life throws us curves balls that we never expect, curveballs that are so sharp and scary that sometimes, life seems to pause. But without this 30th year, without my past experiences, without my growth, without the 30 years of living life that I’ve had, I would not be the person I am today. And I am proud of that person. I am in a job that I love with incredible friends and an amazing, supportive family. I stand up for my beliefs, I’ve found what’s important to me, and I follow my moral compass. And most of all, my 30 years of life experience have finally brought me to a place of confidence. I feel truly happy for the first time in a long time. Sure, I’ve had anxiety flareups and I’ve had difficult days. But so far, out of great sadness, 30 has brought me great joy. I can’t wait to see what 31 brings.