we began
with honesty
let us end
in it too
us – rupi kaur

Honesty.
That’s one of the reasons I started this blog. To be more honest about my body, my feelings, my struggles.
Honesty has always been difficult for me.
Not honesty in the elementary school sense, when we were taught to “always tell the truth.” I’ve always been a rule-follower. An honest student. When I say honesty, I mean it in the sense of stating how I really am. Not answering the question “how are you?” with an obligatory “fine!” when I’m really not OK. When I pretend to not be hurt or offended by fatphobic posts. When I have to keep my mouth shut after someone makes an offhand remark about minority groups, about my friends, and I have to sit and stew in my feelings.
You are my people: my blog readers, my Instagram fam, my friends. I owe you honesty, and I’ll spend this post being as honest as I can about how I’m feeling. If we can’t be honest during a pandemic, when can we?

I’ll start by saying: I’m doing OK. I’m sure many of you feel the same way – happy and content one day, and struggling, crying, staving off panic attacks the next. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions, and everything you’re feeling is valid. Do not let anyone tell you any of your feelings are invalid. We are living in unprecedented times. You are allowed to cry, to smile, to feel like talking and to not feel like talking. You are allowed to spend all your time on screens (please take a quick eye break once in a while, though!) or no time at all. Determine what’s best for your own self-care and take care of yourself.

This pandemic has been difficult for all of us in different ways. Some are frontline workers, seeing the sickness and death up close and serving us in the most noble, heroic way possible. Some have experienced sick family members, or COVID-related deaths. Some of us have learned that the world doesn’t stop because of COVID, and tragedy can continue to strike at any given moment. I’m in the third category. I experienced a great loss during this pandemic, a coworker and a friend who suddenly passed away. The grief process has looked very different. I cried that first night, I took some time for myself. I sent a sympathy card to his family. I shared my thoughts on social media. But that was…it. There was no real closure, because how could there be? There was no memorial, no funeral, no time to gather with others who knew him. The grief hasn’t truly left me, but it’s just been pushed away, my brain storing it for another day, when I have the willpower to take it on. It’s unsettling, to feel so stuck in the middle, to know that this sadness, tucked away in your brain, will need to come out and be dealt with again at some point. But when? That’s the question I’m constantly asking myself. When will it be time?

The pandemic has thrown life out of balance – canceled plans, trips, concerts, and much more. But it’s not an excuse to be fatphobic. Social media has gotten to me a lot over these pasts few weeks, with posts about protests and the conspiracy videos and the general apathy toward saving lives. There have been fatphobic posts aplenty, too. Whether it’s a viral tweet or an Instagram story or a Facebook post, they’re everywhere. People are “so worried” about coming out of the pandemic having gained weight, and it’s unbelievable to me that for many, this is a HUGE concern when there is SO MUCH ELSE to be worried about. It’s also disheartening for many of us with body image issues, those of us who wage the mental battle each and every day about how we are valid and beautiful and loved in the body we’re in. Some days these posts make me cry. And that’s OK. But please, please remember: we are NOT a joke. We are people who deserve respect and love. We don’t need to lose weight, and we are NOT anybody’s before or after photos. We are us. We are deserving, we are stunning. No person or pandemic can ever take that away.

If you need a space to be honest, to reflect on your mental health, to just talk – please, know that I’m here. I’m an advocate for you and with you. Sending you love always, and especially in these challenging times.