“So be #veryfat #verybrave and go out and terrorize the world with your #bravery. You can literally substitute a bikini for anything you’re scared to do. I just want you to know that only you stand in the way of you.”

-Nicole Byer, #VeryFat #VeryBrave

Confidence is difficult to have on the best days, and on the worst? It can be nearly impossible.
The COVID-19 pandemic and subsequent isolation and been a series of worst days for me. Like Groundhog Hog or Palm Springs, it feels like I’m living the same day over and over again. This lack of newness and adventure, combined with the unease brought on the pandemic itself (not a good combination for an anxiety-prone extrovert) has made me feel sluggish, tired, and sad. I’ve often thought: what’s the point in trying to be the best version of myself if no one can see it?

For me, my confidence journey was very outward-focused. I started an Instagram account and a blog to challenge myself to share photos of a body I wasn’t confident about. I wanted to (and did!) find a community of likeminded plus-size people who shared the same beliefs in body positivity and would encourage me to continue loving myself, exactly the way I was. I tested my newly found confidence on the streets, wearing crop tops to concerts and rompers to brunch. Of course, I had days of feeling less than great about myself – we all do. But I was feeling happier and more confident than I had in maybe my entire life.

But then the pandemic hit. And I was stuck at home, in an eternal sadness of not being able to experience normal life. The new spring pants I purchased for my job are still in my closet, untouched, tags on. My wardrobe has shrunk to about three shirts and two pairs of shorts, because my only interactions with colleagues are over Zoom. I’ve been losing confidence every day since this pandemic began. I put on a favorite denim romper from last summer that I hadn’t worn in a year, and all I could do was stare at my legs. I wore a tank top for a walk around my neighborhood and spent the entire time watching my arms jiggle, wondering if they were noticeable to others. And then, I thought about my bikini.

I haven’t worn a bathing suit at all this summer. I don’t have a pool, and I don’t go to the beach – too many people, too few masks. Wearing a bikini was a big step for me when I purchased my first suit a couple years ago. Ever since, I’ve loved the way it makes me feel – like I’m beautiful, glamorous, strong and powerful. Enter COVID. Eyeing my bikini in my closet, I felt anxious – I wondered why I let myself purchase it, why I ever thought I’d look good. I was in a bad headspace surrounding my body, clothing, and confidence. It was almost divine intervention that Nicole Byer’s book, #VeryFat #VeryBrave, came into my life at that time. If you don’t know Nicole, first of all: LOOK HER UP. She’s stunning and hilarious. She hosts Nailed It! on Netflix, and she’s known for her bikini photos on Instagram. Her book details tips for fat girls on how to wear bikinis. Spoiler alert: EVERY BODY IS A BIKINI BODY. Looking at how stunning Nicole is, and how she oozed confidence, truly helped me to get some of my mojo back. If Nicole could publish an entire book of her photos, I surely could snap a few of myself, right? So I took a deep breath, popped on my bikini and a little bright lipstick, and went to work. Yes, I still see my flaws. Yes, I still have doubts about myself and my body. But I’m so proud of myself, and I love how #veryfat and #verybrave I am.