“…the hard truth is that a lot of people in the fashion world would really prefer that I weren’t in it. And I think a lot of plus-size women feel that way in our day-to-day lives. For us, something as simple as posting an outfit-of-the-day selfie is a political action, and we have to live with all.”

-Kate Stayman-London, One to Watch

Y E S. Yes yes yaaasssssssss. That’s what I exclaimed over and over again, in my head and out loud, while reading Kate Stayman-London’s masterful, funny, heartfelt novel One to Watch. If you’re not familiar with it, the novel follows the story of Bea Schumacher, a plus-size fashion blogger and influencer who ends up on a Bachelor-style reality show called Main Squeeze as…you guessed it, the Main Squeeze! This comes as a result of Bea’s criticisms, calling out the show for lack of diversity in casting. You may or may not know that yours truly passionately watches all of the shows in the Bachelor franchise, hanging on to every cringe-worthy glance and greedily enjoying the “most dramatic season ever” (which is every season, tbh). But I, along with many others, have also been calling out the show for for its lack of diverse casting. The Bachelor (and Main Squeeze in the novel) both promote this idea of a fairytale romance, that love at first sight is real and that those who have been unlucky in love still deserve to find a happy ending. But it comes with a caveat – only certain people are allowed to find that. Namely, only skinny, white, blonde women and men with six-pack abs and perfectly coiffed hair. I’ve never once felt that I could experience a Bachelor-esque romance, that I could live in a mansion and go on exotic dates around the world and potentially meet my soulmate. I’ve never seen myself represented on the show. It’s as if the show is saying, “you can watch, but this isn’t for you.” This is a heartbreaking but accurate representation of how I’ve felt in my life, and I think many others, too. Growing up, the media told us that skinny equals beautiful, and beauty is directly equated to how much you deserve to be loved. Shows like The Bachelor and the fictional Main Squeeze continue to perpetuate that stereotype. Society has gradually started to progress, but we still see fat women portrayed as side characters, there for comic relief and not much else. I’ve never felt like the star in my life story, and it’s because the media has taught me that I never could be.

You know your girl loves RuPaul’s Drag Race, and I’m left reflecting tonight on an episode in season 13. One of the contestants, Kandy Muse, is a gorgeous queen who promotes body positivity. She cried at the thought of elimination, remarking that she wanted to show the world that big girls can do more than be funny – they can be fashion queens and look queens, too. I started my blog with a similar intent – to show that world that I’m proud of myself, that I embrace my body, and that even as a fat girl, I can still enjoy playing with fashion and beauty. But it’s hard when the world isn’t comfortable with that. That’s one of the many reasons One to Watch resonated with me – it told my story. Bea’s words could easily be my own. Her thoughts are my thoughts, her fears are my fears. Many lines stood out to me, but I found myself drawn to this one in particular: “Whenever Bea stepped into a patisserie to order something for herself, there were ripples of sideward glances, even occasional bald stares, the accusation always implied: It’s your own fault you look like this.” THIS. THIS RIGHT HERE. I am still unlearning the ideas surrounding food that were instilled in me as a child. It still makes me flustered to order in front of others at a restaurant, especially when it’s from a male waiter, and especially when it’s something like a burger or fries. I defaulted to salads for many years, out of fear of being judged. I often think about how we NEVER see contestants eat on The Bachelor but we always see them work out – the media is not so subtly telling us what our priorities should be.

The pandemic, combined with a new year filled with weight-loss resolutions and diet ads, has left me feeling vulnerable and insecure, the thoughts of “you’re not enough” whispering in my head. So I’m making a resolution of my own: I’m going to be(a) One To Watch. I’m going to continue promoting body positivity, loving myself, and wearing whatever makes me feel best. I’m going to take photos, unabashedly share them, and take joy in compliments instead of finding faults. I’m going to emulate Bea. I’m going to call myself worthy, deserving, capable, beautiful, strong. 2021 will be hard, no doubt. But I resolve to take pride in myself.