“Drag queens have always been community leaders, rebels and rabble-rousers…[we] create magic out of nothing, whether that means a fabulous outfit made out of the scraps no one wants or a fabulous existence when society has told us we don’t deserve to live.”

– BenDeLaCreme

2019 has been a tremendous year of change for me. Positive change, negative change, challenges, lessons, grief, heartache, joy, triumph, love. Reflecting on all of these changes, I can sum up 2019 as the Year of Finding Myself. I’ve grown so much in this last decade, molding and shaping my beliefs, worldview, and self-value. I’ve become more determined to seek change, to fight for my beliefs, to show the same love and grace to myself (and my body) that I do to others. I owe much of this to an important interest in my life: drag.
If you’ve spent time on my blog or Instagram, you know that I am OBSESSED with RuPaul’s Drag Race. A competition reality show with elements of fashion, makeup, dancing, singing, acting, and drama?! I’ll take it any day! The show is lots of fun, full of laughter, emotion, and truly awe-inspiring performances. But beyond that, Drag Race got me through difficult moments in my life. It provided an outlet, a place for me to go where it was safe to laugh and to cry, to put the difficulties of the real world away for just a moment. That’s what drew me into the world of drag and drag culture – what I didn’t know was how deep of an impact it would have on me as a person.

Aside from viewings with my fellow Drag Race-loving bestie Shannon, while visiting from her home across the country, I watched most episodes on my laptop, curled up in bed. I recapped episodes for my BFF Meghan while she recapped episodes of Game of Thrones for me. It wasn’t until this summer that drag became a communal experience for me. After living through the high of Drag Race season 11 (HELLO NINA WEST I LOVE YOU), I found a drag show run by an incredible local company, Beauty Beyond Drag. They are an inclusive drag company that hosts benefit shows, with each show serving as a fundraiser for community organizations. If you’re local to the Grand Rapids area, please check them out! I snagged tickets for me and my friends to attend a show in August. Being an enneagram 6 and a generally overly-prepared person, I created a Facebook Messenger group just for the event (SHANTAY YOU STAY), sent out info on what to bring, wear, do, etc., provided a drag vocab list, and included links to maaaaaany many videos (YEP, just ask my pals Meghan, Molly, and Brooke and they’ll confirm for you!). Reader, we had a BALL. The talent at our show was BEYOND. The looks were FIERCE. I was liiiiiiiving for the moment and feeling genuinely, truly happy for the first time in a long time.

Drag has become an inspiration to me. Watching these incredibly talented artists express themselves in honest, truthful ways has caused me to evaluate my own expressions of self. I lived in fear of judgement for so long, hidden in the shadows, always afraid of not being accepted because of my body. But these queens inspire me to be better and do better – they promote a culture of love, acceptance, body positivity, and openness. They make everyone feel welcome and deserving. Drag is inclusive and representative of all body types. During episodes of Drag Race, I often found myself thinking about how gorgeous, stunning, beautiful the ladies sashaying across my screen were, and I would begin to question why I didn’t feel that same way about myself. Why couldn’t I love myself as much as I loved and supported my favorite queens?
The answer: loving yourself is hard to do. Being happy with a body constantly shamed by society and the media is a difficult thing, You feel like it’s wrong to celebrate yourself, to show off who you are. But drag has taught me that I am deserving of my own love (and society’s love, too!). I have found myself, my style, my sense of fashion, and I’m going to show it off. Here I come, 2020 – are you ready for me?